Who I Am
by Skittles1
Summary: WOLF'S RAIN; there isn't a section for this yet. This is Blue’s POV about what she finds out from Cheza and what happens to her in episode 12/13. Spoilers if you haven’t seen up to 13.


Author's Note: I don't own Wolf's Rain. This is Blue's POV after what she finds out from Cheza and what happens to her in episode 12/13. Spoilers if you haven't seen up to 12 or 13.

Who I Am

**By: Lauren**

I don't know where to go now.

I don't know what to do now.

I don't know who I am anymore. 

Everything that I thought to be true, everything that I thought was real, was all a lie. All my life, I had been happy. Quent had raised me since I was a tiny pup and I lived with his family. No, I was _part _of his family. I belonged with him, with his wife and his child. We had always been together, ever since the beginning. Those were very happy, blissful times. I belonged in their warm house, sharing their memories with them. 

But…that happiness shattered as raging orange flames licked away at their house, as his wife and child screamed cries of agony and pain, as they died a slow death. It was all over as the wolves stood there, their eyes staring directly into his own, staring into his soul as his heart shattered. That was where his hatred began. His immense hatred for wolfs and anything that even mentioned their name. It became his life mission to eradicate any of those vile creatures that killed his family.

It became him and I. Him and good ol' Blue. That was how things were. He drank, he cried in his sleep, he walked, he searched, he carried his gun into the endless days and I stayed by his side. He gave me food, provided me with shelter, and stroked my raven hair back as we slept in motel after motel. He took care of me, and in return, I took care of him. I always felt as if I had to be there, that was just the way things were. No matter what it was, I'd do anything to help him. _Anything_. That was the kind of companionship we had. We depended on one another. We had been through thick and thin together, always, since the beginning.

I had grown up only knowing this. Only knowing him and the lifestyle of living with humans. I was a dog. A domesticated dog that would even attack a gang of wolves for her master. I would risk my life to help him and I though he might do the same. I was a dog. I knew who I was. I was a dog that stood by his side. We were partners.

Him and Blue.

Always. Him and Blue.

But always doesn't last forever. In one single moment, my world was thrown upside down. It all happened when I met her. In a fraction of a second, she told me something that would make everything else come tumbling down. That strange flower girl…who might lead the wolves to paradise.

She told me the truth…I was half wolf. 

With that little tidbit of information, everything became a mess inside of me. Who was I then? I most definitely was not a dog.

In that instant, I became what my master hated most. I became what had destroyed his life. I became what had destroyed our happy days. And, at the same time, I had unknowingly turned against my own kind. 

As days went on and as we fought the wolves, I began to lose myself to the truth. The truth is always what hurts most…it is what we always try to deny when in fact; it can never be changed. 

I was a wolf. 

I was someone else. I wasn't who I thought myself to be. I couldn't turn against my own kind. Yet…I still tried to stay by his side…no matter how hard that became.

Then, it all had to change once again. One thing he did made it all snap. He doubted me. He blamed me for attacking someone when I hadn't- it had been one of the wolves. But what does it matter? I am part wolf any ways.

Still, I managed to stay, but doubt filled my mind. How could he believe that I would hurt a human for no reason? How could he doubt me, Blue, the one who had been by his side since forever? Later on, the guards I had ran into before went after me, cruelly slamming the butt of their gun into my skull, torturing a tied up animal while he was inside drinking his problems away as usual. Some men they were.

I was a wolf. Over so many years, I had become tamed, domesticated, I was everything he hated. I couldn't stay. He'd kill me; it was his mission to kill all wolves. Things were different now that I was part of _them_. I lunged at the guard, a shot rang out, I ripped from my leash and I ran, crimson blood dripping through my shaggy coat to stain the ground. 

I was gone.

I did not belong with him anymore. 

I could _never_ belong with him anymore.

I had nowhere that I belonged. I had nowhere to go to. I had no companions, no friends, no family, nothing. There was no destination for me, only running away. Running forward towards one goal.

I had to discover who I was. The happy times of the past were over. The bond between us was broken. There was nothing more for us. I was not who I thought I was.

The wolves are our enemy. They are our enemy. They killed our family. Hate. Hate them. They destroyed our life! They ruined my happiness! Destroy! Enemy! Hate! Kill them!

I am a wolf.

Part of me wonders what would have happened if the girl hadn't have told me the truth. I know that I would still be by Quent's side, helping Quent, just like I always had done in the past. But, I know the truth now and nothing can ever make me forget it. Nothing can ever change so that I can go back to him and part of me…doesn't want to go back. I can't anymore. Although…I am almost glad that I learned the truth…sometimes. Even though I'd still be living by his side happily, it wouldn't have been right. It would almost have been like living a lie. This truth that I've learned has changed me in so many ways and yet I am glad that I am not living in ignorance. Is it better to have blissful ignorance or to know the truth, even if it hurts? I'm not quite sure. Yes, it is good to be content but if you are content with what isn't right, then in the end it will only hurt you. You can try to make decisions but in the end, they might screw up because you don't know the truth of your life. If you know the truth, you are able to make decisions that can better you. For an example, what if you lived with a man who had killed others in the past but hadn't told you that. Would you be happy with the man not knowing that about him? Or is it better to know that he has taken a life in the past, even if this might hurt you and cause your heart to ache? In the end, the truth is always the best answer, as long as you can handle it and even if you can't, you must deal with it. It is better this way than to live something that isn't true.

And now, I've run into them. The same wolves I attacked for him. Ha, how ironic that I would end up traveling with them. Hiege, the orange haired one, has befriended me. He is quite the flirt. At first, I refused to travel with them. It wasn't right. I had attacked them in the past and as much as my mind screamed to me that I was one of them, another quietly told me I wasn't. Even if I was part wolf, there was another part of me that was dog. I wasn't a total wolf, only half. Would they accept a halving like me? I didn't belong with them either. I wasn't one of them. I had been domesticated over time. I had grown up with humans. That separated me even more.

But then, if I was neither dog nor wolf, where did I belong? 

I cannot be accepted by either side. I am destined to wander, to belong with no one, to forever be alone in this barren land. I have no reason to exist. I am nothing. A mangy animal with not a single place that it belonged. Did my name even fit me? My piercing blue eyes, the color of a clear sky, yet I have a clouded heart. A crying soul. Nothing in me is clear, everything is muddled, mixed together, dog blood and wolf blood, all shaken into one. 

Hiege kept pushing the others to bring me along. I don't understand him sometimes. Why would he really accept me so quickly? Why would he like someone like me? Is it because I'm the first female he has met with for a long while? Even so, every time I say I will stay behind, he says he will stay too. He doesn't have to, I try to tell him to go on without me, but he refuses to. How? Why? How could he like someone such as me? Why would he drop everything, including his friends, just to stay by my side? 

They are a pack; a concept I am just now beginning to understand. They should stick together and let in no outsiders. But…they are a very odd pack. They all are mix matched and if a few want to stay behind, they do. If they want to catch up with the others later, they do. If they want to go off and do something, they do. In their hearts, they are like a pack, yet they might deny it if asked. They have no real leader and they all contribute thoughts and ideas, but they sometimes do tend to follow Kiba. They might not see it and they might not act like a normal pack would, but deep down, the truth is that they are. They seek solace, protection and comfort in the companionship of one another. Just like how _we _use to be….but…as I watch them…I realize that this companionship with each other is a lot different than the one I had. Their pasts don't matter to each other, habits of theirs don't matter, and it is much different. One of them even grew up with humans and lived with an old woman yet the others still accepted him. They are different people but they travel together to find a single future. A paradise. 

They help each other; they coexist and look past each other's flaws. 

But are they willing to overlook mine? Can they ignore _my_ flaws? Can they help me change into the person that I want to be, that I can be? Am I different because I don't know who I am?

The answer to that is surprisingly yes. They _can_ look past my flaws and what I did when I was with _him_. They don't care that I am only half wolf. I _am _wolf to them. In a way, I am gradually becoming part of their strange pack. A pack that depends on each other and yet doesn't. A pack that looks past mistakes and works together. Something much, much better than what I had with _him_. 

_He_ could never look past what I am.

They can. Kiba taught me something very important.

He asked me where I was planning to go and what I was planning to do.

I told him that I didn't know. I was only looking to find who I was. 

And do you know what he told me? He told me that I could only go on forward, just like they were. I could go with them as they searched for paradise. In his own odd way, he made me understand that it didn't matter who I had been or what I was. He showed me that I just was whom I am. 

I am Blue.

I am neither dog nor wolf. I am neither domesticated nor wild.

I am Blue and that is who I am. That is all that matters.


End file.
